Last updated: March 21, 2023There has been a surge of interest in BDSM, ever since Fifty Shades of Grey was published. But this is not a new sexual act. BDSM involves consenting adults who use the experience to investigate their kinks and to exist in a safe space to be themselves.
Proper BDSM rules need to be followed at all times to create this safe, consensual area. Some of these rules are general to the community but others can be negotiated between partners. The key is to communicate at all times. Before, during, and after, communicate with your partner to see what is working and what needs to be changed.
If you’re reading this, you are interested in learning more about BDSM. Perhaps you want to give life to a hidden desire or you’re just interested in learning what all the fuss is about. There are a lot of misconceptions about BDSM, mainly perpetuated by false depictions in movies or rumors about depravity.
If you can take away anything from this article is that BDSM only works when it is consensual. At all times, everyone involved in a BDSM relationship must be there of their own free will. They must be completely okay with everything being done to them or everything they are doing to another person. Furthermore, there is always the possibility of stopping completely.
BDSM is an acronym Trusted Source BDSM Sex: What Does It Mean? BDSM sex is a term for a variety of sexual practices that include bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, and sadism. Learn more about BDSM sex and how to practice it safely. www.webmd.com short for bondage and discipline, dominance, and submission, sadochism, and masochism. Most often, one person takes on a dominant role while another person takes on a submissive role.
There are many types of BDSM and what works for one partnership might not work for another. Common practices of BDSM include bondage, discipline, and dominance, but these can work in different ratios.
The two main roles are often seen as Dominant and submissive. Dominant is capitalized to show their power in the relationship.
BDSM is for all types of partnerships, no matter your sexual orientation or gender identity. Again, as long as you are consenting and are of legal age, you can adopt BDSM to explore your kinks and fantasies.
These are the main terms to be aware of if you want to practice BDSM.
| Term | Meaning |
| Dominant/domme/dom | The authority figure in a BDSM relationship |
| Submissive/sub | The submissive figure in a BDSM relationship |
| Discipline-punishment | The act of punishing or disciplining agreed-upon misbehaviors |
| Sadism-masochism | Using pain or humiliation for sexual pleasure |
| Fetish | Any obsession with a particular body part, toy, or activity |
| SSC (safe, sane, consensual) | The ethical behavior that the BDSM community abides by |
| Safeword | An agreed-upon word a sub can say to stop the activity immediately |
| Contract/checklist | The arrangement that both the sub and the dom agree to |
| Subspace | A feeling of euphoria after an extreme BDSM scene |
| Aftercare | After a scene, the emotional care that a dom gives a sub |
| Switch | A person who changes between being a sub and a dom |
| RACK (risk-aware consensual kink) | Risky behaviors that are agreed upon by both the sub and the dom |
Here we will talk about specific rules of BDSM and provide some context to better understand them. Remember that BDSM must always be consensual and with partners that are adults. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it.
Before two people enter into a BDSM arrangement, they will discuss many particulars, including the issue of pain and markings. Harm can be seen as a grey area, but like anything else with BDSM, it needs to be fully discussed and consensual.
Punishment is often a part of BDSM. But that punishment is not without limitations. Does your submissive agree to be hit or slapped? Do they agree to be in a confined place for a period of time? These are all guidelines to agree on.
When in a scenario, a submissive always has the ability to stop. This is why safe words are so important. A Dominant needs to not only listen for a safe word but check-in and prompt their submissive for one.
It’s always best to purchase toys made specifically for BDSM. For example, this list of the best BDSM cages will provide the support and measurements for roleplay.
Sometimes, BDSM is an all-encompassing part of a relationship. Other times, it is specific to scenarios. There is no right or wrong way to engage in play, as long as both people consent to the agreement.
You can have rules in place that a submissive has to follow at all times or plan unique settings to act out. For times when you want to have fun, make sure you have the right items on hand. For example, use this list of the best ropes for bondage as they will be more comfortable than all-purpose rope from a home improvement store.
Safe words are paramount with BDSM. Without them, your submissive has absolutely no control, which is not what the practice is about. Go over a list of safe words with your partner and ensure you both know what they are. A simple set involves green for good, yellow for caution, and red for stop.
If your submissive says yellow, you need to check in and alter the play. If they say red, you need to stop immediately.
You might be used to having a drink or two before sex to loosen up. But in BDSM, both people need to be in complete control of their faculties. Drugs and alcohol can blur the line between consent, so it should always be avoided.
There has even been new research that links excess alcohol use with a decrease in sexual desire Trusted Source Low sex drive in women - Diagnosis and treatment - Mayo Clinic By definition, you may be diagnosed with hypoactive sexual desire disorder if you frequently lack sexual thoughts or desire, and the absence of these feelings causes personal distress. www.mayoclinic.org among women, so don’t just assume that everyone has the same reaction as you do.
BDSM contract rules apply at all times and this includes the introduction of new kinks. Your submissive needs time to process information and to consider if they want to try something new out. Surprising them with a new kink while in the middle of a different scenario is not okay.
If you want to try something new, take the time to talk to your submissive about it. Let them know they are free to talk and ask questions. You may need to compromise and meet in the middle. Finally, if you do decide to try something new, it is important to check in more frequently to ensure they are still okay with it.
Your partner may have experienced trauma in many different contexts, so the shock of a new kink without previous communication can be detrimental.
The relationship between a Dominant and a submissive is more than just rules and punishments. It is also about taking care of your submissive. After an intense session, your submissive will be weak, both physically and emotionally. It is the job of a Dominant to take care of them.
Have your submissive’s favorite snacks on hand. Make sure they are properly hydrated. You can draw a relaxing bath for them, put on their favorite movie, or even just cuddle with them.
What are your deepest, darkest fantasies? And what do you absolutely have no desire of ever trying? Honesty needs to exist within a BDSM relationship.
Along with honesty comes trust. Do you trust your submissive to try and go right to their limits? Do you trust your Dominant to stop when you tell them you need a break? Again, if you do not trust your partner or don’t feel you can be honest with them, then this might not be the right fit.
Preparation includes being ready for everything that can go right and occasionally if something goes wrong.
First, make sure you have the proper supplies for a fun experience. There are many starter BDSM kits like the Bondage Boutique Seduce Me Lover’s Bed Bondage Kit. It has straps, collars, and even a flogger to get you started.
Then, you want to be prepared in case a scenario goes wrong. This is especially important for extreme situations, such as choking. Have your phone charged and near you at all times. Have a first aid kit for any minor cuts or bleeding. And, if you are using something extreme, like a cage, have tools ready just in case the lock breaks and you need to open it.
Unless you are extra experienced with BDSM, it is much better to start with store-bought toys than to try to make your own. These will be sanitary, strong, and made for a specific purpose.
For example, while there are ways to DIY a chastity cage, you can instead purchase one from this list of the best chastity cages. They won’t cut off circulation and are safe to use.
Your submissive trusts you as a Dominant and part of that includes creating a safe, hygienic environment. All toys must be properly cleaned after use and stored in a manner that won’t get them dirty.
If you engage in anal play, further rules should apply about whether you can then penetrate your partner vaginally. Again, talk about all these options ahead of time.
Here are a few more BDSM rules that are specific to roles and positions.
As a Dominant, you need to control a lot of moving pieces. Not only are you responsible for setting up scenarios, but you are responsible for ensuring your submissive is comfortable and not reaching past their limits. Finally, you need to engage in appropriate aftercare.
This is a lot of pressure for a Dominant and not everyone is ready for it. Engaging in BDSM is not just about experiencing your pleasure. Your submissive needs to be satisfied as well.
The biggest rule for a submissive is to be honest. You may want to please your Dominant and by doing so, go past your limitations. This is never okay. If you feel like you need more time or need to pause anything, use your safe word. If your partner can’t trust you to honestly use your safe words, then they will feel uncomfortable about going to extremes.
Communication is paramount in long-distance relationships. So, too is honesty. If you agree to a set list of rules, then as a submissive, you need to be honest about following them. If not, then you’re not really committed to a BDSM relationship.
Dominants will need to alter their expectations and get creative. Luckily, there are more ways than ever to engage in long-distance roles thanks to technology.
One idea is with chastity rings. The CB-6000S Short Male Chastity Cage comes with a lock and key. Before going away on a trip, hide the key from your submissive and only tell them where it is after they complete a series of instructions. They will need to submit photographic evidence to further spice things up.
DDLG, or Daddy Dom and Little Girl, is a popular BDSM fantasy. For this to work, the Dominant assumes a daddy role and the submissive one of a little girl. This kink often involves costumes to increase the fun.
You can choose from many specific BDSM outfits that come in a range of styles. While you might want a more traditional cheerleader outfit, you can also dress your submissive in something more sultry, such as the Fifty Shades of Grey Captivate Flocked Mesh Dress and Harness SetÂ
DDLG barriers should be set. Do you have to act out the relationship in public or is this only at home? For this particular kink, consent and age are paramount.
Pet play in BDSM involves the Dominant taking on an authoritative role and the submissive acting as a pet. Leashes and chains are often used to increase this dynamic.
Proper consent needs to be given regarding eating and bathroom behaviors. Pet play can be somewhat demeaning, so the submissive needs to be really comfortable with this element.
For consenting adults, BDSM may be a new way of life. Whether you want to try BDSM out with an existing partner or want to find others in the community, there is becoming more of a mainstream acceptance of the practice. BDSM can be a fun experience and quite pleasurable, as long as you are open and honest with your partner. Always follow the BDSM rules you have agreed upon. If not, trust will be broken and that can be incredibly hard to repair. Create safe words, decide on scenarios together, and live out your fantasies. And don’t forget to have fun. Outfits and toys are readily available to make this a meaningful lifestyle.
