How to Be a Dominatrix – the Power is All Yours

Explaining how to be a dominatrix - what it means, how to set the rules and live the role to perfection
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Last updatedLast updated: October 25, 2022
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If you’re trying to learn how to be a dominatrix, you couldn’t have landed on a better page. While you enjoy the incredible feeling of having all the power as a dominatrix, your sub derives pleasure in giving up complete control to you. How kinky is that?

In your journey to be the complete dominatrix, however, you must learn the basics and rules that guide the role. Besides the rules, you need to learn as many BDSM scenarios as possible to have a whole experience. Rest assured, this article will show you how to become a dominatrix and the right tools you will need to take control in several scenarios. Let’s get right to it!

Who Exactly is a Dominatrix?

We won’t judge here if you are not clear about who precisely a dominatrix is. After all, this guide to being a dominatrix is about helping you learn everything about the BDSM role. This section will explain the name and role.

Name

As you might have easily guessed, dominatrix is derived from the term “dominance”. On its own, dominance means enjoying a commanding position and control by a superior power. As such, a dominatrix is a woman (sometimes a man) who enjoys control over their partner, who’s often a sub or slave. The control could be physical, psychological, or both.

While dominatrix is the most common term in popular culture, most members of the BDSM community prefer the term “Domme” or “Dom”. Although “Domme” better describes dominant women or feminine people, some people use “dom” to refer to such persons.

Role

A dominatrix takes up the dominant role in a BDSM relationship. She often controls her partner sexually. As a domme, you give your sub instructions on how they should act or behave during sessions or every day. You may also ask them to dress up for you in roles that leave them subservient to you.

Speaking of instructions, a dominatrix makes her sub take her seriously. Failure to obey instructions often leads to various punishments, including humiliation. Bear in mind that you’re no dominatrix if you don’t exude the confidence of being in control. Also, you need tools that can help you assert your control.

Moreover, a dominatrix can be a recreational role where you dominate your partner or someone else in your home for fun. On the other hand, the role can be professional, where you dominate people who pay you to be dominated. In this case, you can be termed a ProDom or ProDomme.

Generally, recreational dominance involves sex with your partner, but your role as a ProDomme rarely involves sex/sexual activity with clients. Ultimately, your role as a professional domme is up to the rules guiding your transaction and community. The rules help you learn how to be a professional dominatrix in every sense of the word.

Guide to Being a Dominatrix

Learning how to be a good dominatrix requires a comprehensive guide like the one in this section.

Contracts and checklists

Let’s be very clear: BDSM is very different from abuse. Abuse involves inflicting pain on a non-consenting person. In contrast, BDSM involves consensual activity between participating parties. Hence, your sub will usually set boundaries you must respect during the BDSM scene or activity. This is a step that you and your sub should never skip.

Before you assume control, your sub is entirely in control. They tell you boundaries that you must never cross. However, remembering all of your sub’s boundaries might be asking too much of you, hence the need to resort to a contract and checklist.

A contract is where your partner lets you know about their health concerns, limits, and roleplay ideas they’d like to explore. On the other hand, a checklist is a type of contract that includes all participants’ desires, interests, and limits. You can compare your checklist with your partner’s to draw a suitable contract for both of you.

Although the document is not legally binding, it gives you a great perspective of what to do and avoid.

Consent

Consent is perhaps the most critical part of any BDSM activity. It is what separates BDSM from abuse, as many authors have argued Trusted Source The Role of Consent in the Context of BDSM - PubMed Consent represents a central focus in the controversial realm of BDSM-an overlapping acronym referring to the practices of Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov . Your sub has to permit you to dominate her, and you must not exceed her boundaries. Crossing the line might make you an abuser.

So, you are responsible for protecting your partner and yourself by being constantly conscious of what you’re doing. Besides, you should know that BDSM consent is far from a simple yes or no; it involves various factors. Here are tips that encapsulate BDSM consent you should get before you start your scenes or lifestyle:

Free consent – Your sub must freely give their consent to the BDSM activity. That means no one should coerce or pressure them into being a sub or accepting anything they don’t want.

Reversible – BDSM is no prison. As such, your sub is always free to opt out anytime they want.

Informed – There’s no proper consent without both of you knowing what you’re getting yourselves into and the potential consequences. Your sub needs to consent to all possible scenarios and how you’ll be playing them.

Enthusiastic – You can’t have a fulfilling BDSM experience if you and your sub are not fully into the activity. The enthusiasm to dominate and be submissive can’t be one-sided. Both of you should be excited to do the scene or live the lifestyle. Otherwise, take BDSM off the table or put it off until both of you are ready for the kinky adventure.

Specific – A proper BDSM consent is about permission for a specific activity. So, the permission for an activity does not extend to other things that are not part of your contract. So, as a dominatrix, only do specific activities in the contract.

Scenarios and names

BDSM is a world on its own, with almost no limit to what you can do inside it. It lets you be whatever you want to be. As a dominatrix, you have the freedom to choose countless scenarios as long as they don’t violate your partner’s boundaries. Here are some fun scenarios you and your sub can play:

  • Queen/princess and servant
  • Kidnapper and victim
  • Stripper and client (no touching!)
  • Captured spy
  • Researcher and participant
  • Flight attendant directing a passenger
  • Interrogation scene
  • Officer putting a soldier through drills
  • Burglar breaking in

Of course, BDSM scenarios are not limited to the ones we’ve mentioned; there are many more. Moreover, you’ll need relevant tools to act out scenarios in the best ways possible. For example, you need cuffs to restrain your sub in an interrogation scene and whips to drill your soldier (sub).

Whichever scenario you choose, ensure that you and your sub dress up for it to maximize your experience. How do you fancy dressing up in fetish-inspired wear like the Leg Avenue Black Vinyl Teddy? It seems to be a popular choice among buyers, thanks to its incredible design.

With the wear’s strapless design leaving your shoulders bare for seduction and a high-rise cut showing off your hot cheeks, you’re the ultimate evil seductress for your sub.

Safewords and cues

You can’t be in a safe BDSM relationship without having safewords and cues. Safewords are the words your sub blurts out when they need you to stop or reduce the intensity of an activity. On the other hand, cues are nonverbal; they are signals you use when you can’t speak. For example, you use cues when you have a ball gag in your mouth.

Safewords can be anything you and your partner want, but ensure that both of you understand them. Most preferably, opt for the simple traffic light system where “Green” means it’s all good, “Orange” means use less intensity or exercise caution, and “Red” signals stop immediately.

For cues, you could adopt tapping or waving a number of times for specific commands. Besides, don’t rely on only safewords and cues; read your partner’s expressions and body language too.

If you notice something unusual, you can ask them how they’re doing, and they can answer with a safeword or cue.

Dominatrix Training

You can’t know how to be a dom without training yourself to be one. While the training is often straightforward, some parts can be tricky. The secret is to keep an open mind and not rush things. We have more detailed tips for you below:

Self-practice

Self-practice is the number one step toward being a dom for beginners. First of all, you have to be submissive. Knowing what it feels like to be dominated will let you know how to treat your sub properly when you assume the dominatrix role. In your self-practice sessions, try some punishments on yourself to gauge your partner’s limits. That helps you to be conscious of how far you can go.

Another form of self-practice is learning how to use various tools properly and safely. For example, learn how to tie knots before attempting to use ropes on your sub.

View various scenarios

You can’t limit yourself when it comes to learning how to be a dominatrix in bed. You need to view various scenarios by getting creative. The more scenarios you have to explore, the more adventurous and exciting your BDSM activity will be. No scenario is off-limits as long as it’s safe for your partner and has a dominant and submissive dynamic.

Being a Dom for Beginners

Whether you’re learning how to be a male dominatrix or a female dom, the rules are the same. Here are tips for being a dom in your BDSM scenes:

Speaking rules

After the contracts are signed, remember that you are the boss during a BDSM activity. So, you now set the rules. One of the most potent ways of exercising control is determining when your sub speaks. Make it clear that you are their superior, and you’ll tell them when to speak.

Even if your sub feels they must speak, they must ask for your permission. While at it, they must be respectful by calling you “Queen”, “Mistress, or any other bossy title you may think of.

Commands

It’s time to start issuing commands! These commands should be about what you want your sub to do and what you don’t want them to do. Once you’ve decided to do a BDSM play, command your partner to assume the relevant position. For example, tell them to put their hands forward and cuff them in a “captured spy” scenario.

In a lifestyle dominatrix relationship, you can command your sub not to touch certain things in the house. You can also command them to execute some tasks. You have the freedom to issue as many commands as you want, provided that it’s within the agreed boundaries.

Punishments

You have issued the rules and commands. Now, the punishments must follow when the instructions are disregarded. There’s no shortage of punishments for BDSM activity, but you have to get creative. An effective punishment is restraining your sub with a rope for minutes or hours. Before opting for this type of punishment, learn various knots and patterns.

Furthermore, ensure that you use a high-quality rope that is safe on the skin and don’t tie it too tightly. The Bondage Boutique Soft Bondage Rope is an excellent example of a high-quality rope. The matte black rope, which measures 10 meters, allows for various knots and positions. Also, its non-irritant finish is safe for ankle, wrist, and body restraint.

If you want more bondage rope options to consider, check through this list for the best ropes for bondage. Finally, ensure that any punishment you use does not exceed the agreed boundaries.

Choosing the Right Equipment

With the basics out of the way, let’s talk about the BDSM accessories that will help you be the best dominatrix you can be.

Soft bondage

Soft bondage is using gentle equipment to restrain your sub. Cuffs are some of the soft bondage tools out there. They can go around the ankles, thighs, wrists, and more to create many BDSM scenarios. A ball gag is another soft bondage tool that is as hot as it is effective.

Animal play

Playing roles such as puppies, kittens, and ponies means you must dress up to look like those animals. Thankfully, there are costumes for these roles.

For example, pony play gear, or tack, is readily available on the market. Your sub will dress up in the gear while you arm yourself with the best BDSM whips. Your sub won’t dare question your authority. If it’s a puppy you’re roleplaying, one of the best BDSM cages will come in handy.

Sensation play

As the name suggests, sensation play is about the senses, considering the body is full of nerve endings. There are many ways to make this play. You can pour ice cubes or warm wax on the most sensitive parts of your sub’s body. You can also warm or cool your steel butt plug and insert it in your sub’s butt.

Expect the sensations to throw your partner into a total frenzy. While you do sensation play, you can heighten the excitement by restricting your sub to a top-notch restraint tool like the Bondage Boutique Faux Snakeskin Restraint Harness. It restricts the upper body and is fully adjustable at the waist, neck, and wrists for the perfect fit.

Denial tortures

Denial tortures are some of the most intense BDSM exercises. These tortures often have to do with cages. One of the most popular ones is the chastity cage. It can cage your sub’s penis and keep it from becoming erect. This can be a powerful experience for you and a frustrating one for your partner.

If that is a type of torture you’re open to, consider buying the CB-6000S Short Male Chastity Cage Kit. It offers comfortable long-term wear, and you can use the three locking spins and spacers to get the right fit.

Impact play

Are you looking to make things more intense? Go for impact play. This play is all about hitting your skin. Impact play can go from slapping your partner to whipping them with spanking paddles and whips. If you want to leave them helpless during the play, invest in the best sex swing you can find to restrict them.

Tips for Being a Dom

Here are tips on how to be dominant in the best ways you can:

Don’t overdo it

As a dominatrix, you should never ignore your sub’s safewords. In fact, respond to them immediately. Don’t try to continue after they’ve asked you to stop. This rule is non-negotiable. Also, learn to stay within the confines of your contract; don’t overdo it.

Training takes time

Dominatrix training takes time; don’t force things. Don’t take on the role until you’re satisfied with your training. Once you’ve finished learning how to be a domme, you and your partner will have a great BDSM experience.

Aftercare

BDSM is a pretty intense activity. And aftercare is the appropriate action you take to relieve your sub after scenes or sessions. There are many ways to give aftercare. They include pillow talk, a hot bath, an emotional check-in, and cuddling together in bed Trusted Source Fifty Shades of Stigma: Exploring the Health Care Experiences of Kink-Oriented Patients - PubMed Like other sexual minorities, kink-oriented patients have a desire to engage with their health care providers in meaningful discussions about their health risks, their identities, and their communities without fear of being judged. pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov .

Final Thoughts

This article has shown that learning how to be a femme dom involves several critical steps you cannot skip. Apart from understanding your role as a dominatrix, you must get consent and create a contract that sets boundaries. These actions will help keep your BDSM relationship healthy.

Beyond consent, you need to take BDSM scenarios seriously because they help to pronounce your superiority in various contexts, leaving you feeling powerful. Also, BDSM tools add excitement to the experience, and you don’t want to ignore them. Finally, as you learn how to be a dominatrix, remember never to overdo it and always devote time to help your partner recover from the activity.

References

1.
The Role of Consent in the Context of BDSM - PubMed
Consent represents a central focus in the controversial realm of BDSM-an overlapping acronym referring to the practices of Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism.
2.
Fifty Shades of Stigma: Exploring the Health Care Experiences of Kink-Oriented Patients - PubMed
Like other sexual minorities, kink-oriented patients have a desire to engage with their health care providers in meaningful discussions about their health risks, their identities, and their communities without fear of being judged.
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