Last updated: March 05, 2024BDSM is an abbreviation for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism. To many people, BDSM is a practice that causes physical and mental harm to the participants. Those who have actually looked into this type of sexual activity know better. Though these practices sound scary, it is more about the desires of those involved and the right communication to ensure the parties are all enjoying what’s going on.
If you’re interested in learning about what is involved with this type of sex but aren’t sure where to look, our guide to BDSM for beginners is a good place to start. We cover all of the BDSM basics for beginners to consider before making any commitments to your partners to be sure you know exactly what to expect. We cover terms to know and how to BDSM for the first time, so there should be no surprises when you get down to business.
In the simplest terms, BDSM covers an array of sexual categories, including dominance and submission, sadism, masochism, bondage, and punishment, all of which we’ll discuss separately in our beginner’s guide to BDSM below. Though these terms sound scary, true BDSM is only performed by consenting adults who agree to the terms of their play before they even begin.
The following sections cover the vocabulary you should learn before your BDSM first time to be sure you know what you’re agreeing to and how everything is going to work.
The submissive is one of the members of a BDSM relationship. This person is the one who gives up control during the BDSM play to the other member of the partnership, allowing them to make the decisions about everything happening, as long as it fits in with what has been discussed before the games begin.
The dominant is the second member of the BDSM relationship and the one in control of the submissive. They dominate the activities, telling the submissive what to do and making decisions about how things will play out during the chosen scenario. Despite their name, they don’t make these decisions however they like. The activities should be discussed beforehand so the dominant isn’t forcing the submissive to do something outside of their boundaries.
Bondage is a type of play that involves the restraint of the submissive. This can be done using simple scarves or other soft fabrics or can include a variety of more complex restraints, like handcuffs, ropes, or even leather gear. The Kinky Play Bondage Kit is a good example of the type of restraints you can use since it includes both wrist and ankle cuffs, a hogtie, and a blindfold.
Another thing to expect on your BDSM first time is punishment or discipline. These are the tools used to get the submissive to obey what the dominant has ordered. If the sub doesn’t do so, they receive punishment for failing to do as the dominant tells them. These punishments are designed to modify the submissive’s behavior and can include both physical and psychological discipline.
Though people assume masochism and sadism are interchangeable words, they actually mean different things when it comes to BDSM play. Masochism refers to someone who takes pleasure in being subjected to humiliation or pain by another person or themselves. The masochist is usually submissive in the relationship since they are the ones who enjoy being dominated and suffering at the hands of another person.
Sadism is the opposite of masochism since the sadist prefers to inflict pain on another person, deriving sexual gratification from this type of control. In a BDSM relationship, this pain is mild to medium, depending on the comfort level of the submissive.
If it is getting too brutal, the sadist is taking things too far and should no longer be allowed to be in control, especially if the submissive is seriously injured during the games. In a BDSM scenario, there may not even be actual pain involved, so it is best discussed beforehand to be sure everyone is comfortable with what’s going on when the scenario begins.
Roleplay in BDSM is when the people involved act out a certain scenario of fantasy. Each of the members of the scenario plays a specific role that is determined by who is the dominant and who is the submissive. There are a lot of different scenarios that you can choose from, including boss and employee, homeowner and maid, client and stripper, or teacher and student, just to name a few. These can be simple storylines for some harmless fun or they can be more involved, requiring props, costumes, and even a script that is meant to be followed closely.
There are many ways to try out roleplay as well. You can do so in person, over the phone, or during a video chat. Some people even like to do some roleplaying in public settings, sometimes with spectators and sometimes without.
Safewords are one of the most important parts of the vocabulary for BDSM newbies to learn. These are words used by the submissive to let the dominant know that things are getting uncomfortable and that the sub is feeling pain or discomfort that isn’t enjoyed. When the submissive uses the safeword, the dominant should halt the activity or lighten up a bit to reduce the pain the submissive is feeling.
When choosing safewords for your BDSM play, it is best to use one that wouldn’t usually be associated with your games. For instance, you can use colors like green for go and red for stop. You can also use animal names, foods, or whatever else you’re comfortable with. You can use the same safewords for each session or change them as you see fit.
If you’ve decided that you want to try out BDSM, it’s best to start slowly rather than jumping into the most hardcore sessions. When it comes to BDSM, start slowly and work your way up to the more advanced games to ensure you’re doing everything correctly and safely. The following sections are our BDSM basics for beginners, giving you a guide for dominants and submissives starting to explore the lifestyle.
If you’re ready to start experimenting with some BDSM play, it is best to learn the basics before you begin. This can be done in a variety of ways. Read some articles or books on the topic to learn everything you can to be sure you’re being as safe as possible to avoid injuring each other. You can also watch some videos on YouTube to see exactly how to perform certain fantasies or scenarios. Some experts teach classes or sex therapists that can discuss what to expect and how to proceed.
Once you and your partner have decided to try out some beginning BDSM practices, it is a good idea to sit down first to discuss the details. This can include what you like and what type of fantasies you are interested in trying out, as well as the boundaries each of you has. This way, you are both aware of what the other wants and can agree or reject anything that you are not comfortable with.
During your beginning discussion, you should also decide what each of your roles is going to be. Depending on your regular life, you may prefer to be dominant or submissive, so consider this carefully. You can also switch roles during your session or change it up every time a new game begins, as long as both parties are comfortable with the roles they are signed up for.
Rather than running out to a sex shop and buying random toys to try to fit into your games, it is best to choose your fantasy first. This way, you can test it out before buying any props to make sure it is giving you the pleasure and satisfaction that you’re hoping for. If one fantasy doesn’t work, choose another to try out for the next session.
Continue this way until you find out what works for both of you. You can even read some BDSM stories or watch some videos to get some ideas for future sessions. Keep in mind that BDSM scenes for beginners should be simple and easy to perform to ensure you aren’t pushing yourselves beyond your limits too quickly.
The place you try out your BDSM scenarios is as important as the scenarios themselves. The spot you pick should make you feel safe and comfortable. It can be your own bedroom or another room in your home that is used strictly for your BDSM activities. You may even choose a hotel room you stay in for a night of fun or when on vacation since the new setting makes it easier to step out of your real life and into a new persona.
As we discussed above, the safeword is one of the most important parts of BDSM play. Be sure not to use a word that could be mistaken for a part of your chosen scenario. For instance, “no” or “stop” may seem like good choices but if your game involves the submissive saying these as part of their current role, they won’t work as safewords. Choose something far removed from the current game, like “pineapple” or “Volkswagen”.
Once you’ve established what you both like and are comfortable with, you can start to add some toys to your games. There are a wide variety of toys to choose from, so you can get an array of them to fit into your playtime.
Some toys you may want to try out include spanking paddles, clitoral clamps, nipple clamps, restraints, anal beads, vibrators, and even a face strap-on. You can even buy a set, like the Lovehoney All You Need Bondage Kit, which comes with 20 pieces for you to try out to see which ones work best for you. Be sure to discuss the ones you’re considering to be sure you and your partner are both comfortable with adding these types of toys to the games you’re playing.
As well as props to use during your BDSM scenarios, you may want to add some costumes to help get you into the role you’ve chosen. These can be elaborate costumes, like maid outfits or cheerleader uniforms, or they can be more simple items, like chokers to show that you are submissive and ready to obey the orders of your dominant.
Despite all of the discussions and planning you put in before you start your domination for beginners, things still may not go as expected once you actually get into your chosen scenario. Things may not feel as good or be rougher than you expect, so go slow with your experimentations to be sure no one is getting hurt during your play.
Though it may seem like a good idea to add some new activities during your current session, doing so unexpectedly may not go as well as expected. Surprising your partner with something new can throw them off and make them uncomfortable or even cause them pain or injure them in some way. It’s best to stick with the planned events to avoid these issues and ensure you’re both still interested in continuing these activities in the future.
The only way to be sure that both participants are enjoying what’s going on during your BDSM games is to consistently check in. The submissive is much more likely to be feeling discomfort or pain, so it’s a good idea to check in with them to make sure everything is good and you can continue. You can ask them if they are ok or they can give you physical cues, like taps on the shoulder. You should also be sure to check that restraints aren’t cutting off any circulation and that spankings are not too hard.
There are a ton of distractions in our regular lives that aren’t that much of an issue for the most part but can pull you out of the fantasy if you allow them into your chosen BDSM space. For this reason, be sure to isolate yourself as much as possible from family and neighbors to be sure you won’t be dealing with any unexpected visitors. This can be as simple as telling them you’ll be away from the house that day to keep them away. You should also turn off cellphones and other devices and unplug house phones. Leave the television off unless you’re adding some pornography to your games.
A BDSM session can be draining both physically and emotionally, especially for the submissive who has given up control of themselves to another person, leaving them completely vulnerable. When you’re session is finished, be sure to give the emotional comfort they need, offering support and love to ensure they can fully recover from the experience.
Failing to do this can leave them feeling unhappy and cause a loss of trust with the person joining them in these sessions. It may also prevent them from participating in the future, so to keep everyone happy, give them the aftercare they need for as long as they need it. This will help to strengthen your bond as a couple.
As well as aftercare, you should also have an aftertalk about the experiences you just shared. This helps you learn what each other enjoyed about the session and anything they may not have liked to help you decide what you can do in the future. This type of conversation also helps you and your partner open up about what you were each thinking during specific parts of your game. After talk can help you stick with what works and improve on what doesn’t.
During your discussion, it may be a good idea to write down the things you enjoyed about this particular experience and what you would like to improve on. You can also add any new boundaries you’ve discovered or add some extras you’d like to try out next time.
BDSM isn’t as scary as many people think it is. These types of activities can be a fun and exciting addition to your normal routine, allowing you and your partner to explore your sexuality in a safe, yet erotic, way. There are many different scenarios, fantasies, props, and costumes to try out, so you can choose what turns you both on and leave out what doesn’t.
Of courses, when it comes to BDSM for beginners, it is best to start slow to be sure you aren’t rushing into anything that makes you uncomfortable or causing anyone any unpleasant pain. Learning what you both like and what boundaries you don’t want to cross can help you expand your sessions for more enjoyable future experiences.
